[Topics]

I am too arrogant and just an awful person

Written: 2019-11-04
Addition: 2019-11-05
Addition: 2021-03-12

I am not humble enough. The correct and Christian response to my awful life would be to humbly accept it and live it without murmuring, which God hates. I am not able, though, to accept this view if someone else told me to. Because most of the time, those who want you to humbly accept your lot in life are usually people who hardly have any of the problems that have plagued me almost from late childhood onwards. They have no idea.

Certainly, people with worse fates exist. What is awful about my life is the realization that really nothing can be done, that I am nothing but a dumb mediocre useless creepy ugly loser, and in having to deal with a lot of arrogance from others. From people who often think they are sinless and the greatest gift to mankind or whatever. Who do not even understand in the slightest what mental illness actually does to a person. And the Church no longer exists. (Except maybe if I moved to the Holy Mountain in Greece. Hardly likely.)

I am beginning to believe that I have been cursed from birth.

I found the following very inspirational (especially the last monk/hermit shown): Hermits of our times [youtube.com]

(2019-11-05): [Topic]

What is the point of this praise of life? Of this existence? The Bible itself teaches that this is neither our home, nor a great world to live in. Ecclesiastes alone is clear on this. And why create such life as myself? With mental illness? Isn’t life itself awful enough? Do we also need to pass on these useless and horrific illnesses such as those that I suffer from? This is why we need eugenics.
And were it not for the fact that I’m now a Christian, I would rather choose to kill myself, because I find this whole “experience” life is to be completely overrated. Add to this the mediocrity of our lives, for the modern world has nothing else in store for us: we have no other choice but to live mediocre lives. I could have killed myself at 16, but I waited seven years more (survived it, obviously).

(2021-03-12): [Topic]

Some still images from Hermits of our times [youtube.com]:

“I have never enjoyed living in the world.”
“We should have nothing to do with this world anymore.”
“Humility, humility, and again, humility!”

Prior to becoming one myself, I would not have believed how arrogant some Christians can be. One can only be arrogant by being worldly. What, though, ought we to reject? The “world” — 1 John 2:16. Which is a novelty, only found in the New Testament, as Theodor Haecker remarks as well in his essay on Kierkegaard: that the world is evil (Gal. 1:4; 1 Joh. 5:19), but creation deemed good. The Christian is a pessimist towards the world, but his faith and hope allows him to be an optimist towards his soul, towards eternity.
Therefore, it is not Christian at all to boast about having been a fornicator, a “player” or whatever; neither is denigrating people, men especially, who are of low status. There is nothing wrong with being a so-called “loser” in the world.

Quoting Nicolás Gómez Dávila:

God does not ask for our “cooperation,” but for our humility.

In an egalitarian society neither the magnanimous nor the humble fit in; there is only room for pretentious virtues.

Only the defeated come to possess sound ideas about the nature of things.

Lucidity is the booty of the defeated.

Upon each person depends whether his soul, deprived of its many pretensions by the years, is revealed as bitter spite or as humble resignation.

Our last hope lies in the injustice of God.

Humanity fell into modern history like an animal into a trap.

Modern man’s misfortune lies not in having to live a mediocre life, but in believing that he could live a life that is not mediocre.

It fell to the modern era to have the privilege of corrupting the humble.